How easy is it to do the same wrong thing twice? – I had no idea.
I thought I’d learned my lesson (what’s the point of an experience, after all, if I didn’t learn anything from it; like, there was no way I was going to waste my pain!). I believe (and I say it every chance I get), that everything eventually works for good, to those who love the Lord. And I thought I was well on my way (forgetting those things which are behind me, pressing towards the mark of the prize…), until I woke up one morning and found I was in the very same place I’d told myself to never be in again – and what was worse, this wrong place seemed to look right to nearly everyone else, but me – and for my own life!
Either they knew something I didn’t know, or I didn’t know something they knew (Ok, I know! Same thing! But at the time it could have seemed like two very distinct options!).
Are you feeling sorry for me already? It gets even worse!
I struggled with everything. I couldn’t pray or say more than a few words that were strung together so incoherently, they didn’t make much sense even to me. I felt sick. I forgot to eat. And there was this annoying tendency to fall asleep in the middle of typing a text message (or even sending the uncompleted message before I knew what I was doing!).
Really, I could go on and on with the symptoms of my suffering; but I’m finding it hard to wait to till I get to the part where Grace came through for me.
I was in a class once (like way before now) where we were told that Grace, God’s unmerited favour, doesn’t ask what you’ve done. It just comes to you, where you are, and says “let’s fix this!”
God’s grace came through for me – again!
The turning around again towards purpose was the beginning of my healing; after all these years, there’s still no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey.
Until this experience recently, I had no idea how easy it is to drive ourselves (and each other!) to deep exhaustion. I shudder at the realization of how much we take for granted as we focus more on going through the motions of the routine of our religion.
Our relationship with God is more than a lifestyle; religion is not enough – only Jesus can save.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole experience, it is to obey God rather than men; to be hungry for the righteousness of God, rather than the commendation of people.
Are you in that scary place of dryness and deep exhaustion right now? – don’t give up. A release is possible. Restoration is attainable.
It doesn’t matter how you got there. Remember, God’s grace doesn’t ask you how. Just be still long enough to know that God is God.
He did it for me, and I believe that He can do it for you.
Boma’s writing has appeared in various publications, including The Message, a women’s study magazine. She is currently working on a project that explores the effects of alcoholism on children of alcoholics. Her other interests include music, cooking and craft. She blogs at The April Journal.
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