When Your Dad Wasn’t There - Blogs By Christian Women

I threw the un-cut birthday cake in the garbage. My aunt asked if I was going to drop it by his house. “No, he doesn’t deserve it.” Once again, he hadn’t shown up. Another meal, another missed opportunity.

We lived together as a family for only nine years. Closing my eyes, I see that day as if it were yesterday. Dad on the sofa looking so sad. “I will miss y’all,” he said. In my nine-year-old naiveté, I said, “Dad, we will see you when you come get us to visit.” Not realizing life is rarely so simple.

Over the years, we saw him less and less. Dad had a life to live and children did not fit into his “southern gentleman” persona.

I have often wondered why God chose him for me. Our daddy/daughter relationship seemed to never take root. I envied my friends who had a “real” dad in their lives. Those things dads do for their daughters- make them feel loved, cherished, and beautiful were gifts I never received. I arrived in adulthood with “baggage” that needed unpacking.

There comes a time when we become so weary of carrying the load. How do you love and honor a father that lived a less than honorable life? How do you forgive him for withholding the emotional gifts a girl desperately needs? The first thing you do is make a choice…

To forgive.

It’s wasn’t about him. He was so broken, he didn’t realize he needed forgiving. This was between God and me.

When we have been hurt, there is no such thing as forgiving and forgetting. God doesn’t perform a lobotomy.

We must give our damaged hearts and those who damaged them to God.

Every moment, every day.

God holds those who hurt His children accountable. With justice and mercy, He has restoration as His goal.

When the relationship has been so toxic that restoration may not be an option, our restoration is of upmost importance to Him.

Forgiveness is where we start.

Here are a few more things that have helped me along the way:

I began to pray and ask God to help me see dad’s positive qualities.

I wrote him a letter and…never mailed it. Pouring out my heart with pen and paper was therapeutic for me. Do you need to write a letter? Maybe you will mail it and maybe you won’t. Let the Holy Spirit lead you.

I protected my heart from future hurt. Through biblical counseling, I learned to honor from a distance. It wasn’t necessary to plan a celebration for his birthday; I could send a card and give him a call.

I decided to accept dad for who he was. It is freeing to expect nothing. Therefore, what he was able to offer, I enjoyed.

It takes time and effort to be healthy. God says in Galatians 5:1, “So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free…” Never give up on freedom!

My dad restored his relationship with God and me before he died. During the last few years of his life, we spent many hours together as he struggled with addiction and poor health. God used some of those times together to give me some of the things I had longed for.

I hope I have inherited some things from my dad. His easy going disposition and acceptance of others are wonderful traits and I gladly tell others, “I take that after my dad.”

Will you let God began to heal your hurt?

May I pray for you?

Dear Lord, today I bring our broken hearts to You. After all, Jesus, You are The Healer. Your mission is to heal the broken hearted and set the captives free. Heal us Jesus and set us free! Walk with us through the process. Assure us of Your love when we feel unloved. Strengthen us when we feel weak and unable to move forward. Remind us that You will use every hurt, every tear for something eternal. You never allow pain without purpose. We trust You with our hearts.

We ask all of this in Jesus’ name. Amen!

Walk in freedom today dear one. Jesus has heard our prayer.

About Carmen

My passion is ministry to women. I love all things girl! My closet attests to it. I have been married to the love of my life, Lary, for 37 years. God blessed us 28 years ago with a beautiful daughter who is a wonderful woman of God. I have a large extended family and consider the heritage I enjoy to be one of my biggest blessings. We call the Bayou State home.

I also love words and have lots of them. Does that mean I like to talk a lot? Maybe. I also love to write words and my prayer is that all glory and praise will be given to Jesus Christ through each tap on my keyboard.

My favorite place to hang out is our screened porch with my family, nibbling on dark chocolate!

You can find me on Twitter at @CarmenHorneNow, Facebook at Carmen Trichell Horne and my blog at www.carmenhorne.com